


I'd cross the river styx for you , come back to me

by Botticellis_angels17



Series: Tim Drakes Tragedy [2]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Depression, Grief, Jason Todd Has Anger Issues, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Rebirth, The smiiths are the soundtrack, Tim Drake Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:21:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27036367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Botticellis_angels17/pseuds/Botticellis_angels17
Summary: Tim Drake is a 20 year old workaholic who sometimes steals from rich people and is still mourning Jason Todd.Sequel to It's affection always.
Relationships: Tim Drake/Jason Todd
Series: Tim Drakes Tragedy [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1973866
Kudos: 41





	1. Chapter 1

Stage 1- Disbelief and Shock 

Selina holds him while he shakes. He can't breathe and everything is too much.He hopes that Batman will swoop in to tell him that Jason is in a coma or even that Jason has decided to start a new life and won't be coming back. He waits 3 weeks for Batman to show up and take all the numbness away. 

He doesn't come and neither does the phone call he can't admit to waiting for . 

Stage 2- Denial

He buys things he thinks Jason will like. Jane Austen first editions. A dark green cashmere sweater. Exotic tea’s. He litters the house with them and when asked he can't make eye contact.  
Selina’s worried about him , he can see it. She kisses his cheek at least 2 times a day and her gaze is always sad. 

He finds a 3rd edition of Frankenstein when it hits him that Jason is not coming back , that he is never gonna see the small library Tim has accumulated for him. They’re never gonna see California again or stay in France . 

He’s not coming back and it’s breaking him down piece by piece . 

Stage 3- Guilt and Pain

Everything is grey. He goes to work and he comes home. He goes to work and he comes home. He thinks of Jason. He goes to work and he comes home. He thinks of Jason.

It feels endless , like a permanent stab wound that just festers and getting worse and worse and worse.Nothing matters and nothing seems to be helping. Alfred came to see him . He can't muster the strength to talk about anything let alone be hospitable. He leaves after an hour of silence , handing him Jason’s hoodie.The red one has tears at the cuff and smells so much like Jason that he doesn't stop crying till he falls asleep.

Stage 4/5 - Bargaining and Anger.

He goes out for the first time in a year, he’s angry. He’s full of rage. There's a heat in his chest and his mind is clouded with the injustice of it all. Jason didn't deserve this. He deserved a good life , to go to university and have a family and be a dad. He deserved to sleep soundly and not feel the weight of the world on his shoulders. 

“Timothy” 

The sound of Batman landing next to him , is like the match to his gasoline. 

He’s kicking and swinging with everything he has. It was all his fault and Tim couldn't stand it. He couldn't stand that this man was alive when Jason wasn’t . 

“Why didn't you save him” 

“WHY!?”

The punch sends him across the rooftop. He’s crying again. Hysterical.

“Jason, Bruce , why”

It’s a wail and he can’t stop it. It keeps coming and coming. 

“Bring him back, please . I don't wanna do it without him.”

He doesn't remember how he gets home but he’s clutching to Jason's hoodie.

Stage 6- Depression.

He stops . That's it. He doesn't fight on rooftops and he doesn't cry at work. He takes his coffee and goes to work , he smiles at his employees. He donates to charities in Jason's name. He works with the HR department about hiring with diversity in mind and starts a convicted felon work program . He donates funds to addiction counseling. 

He takes Selina out to dinner and tells her he’s taking a break for real this time from “being a cat”  
Tells her that he is so grateful for her and asks that she keep in touch . 

He reads the books he bought for Jason and takes notes for the parts he thinks that Jason would love. He sleeps in Jason's Hoodie.  
He’s functioning and that's all he can do. 

“New Gotham Rogue , the RED HOOD , terrorizes the city's drug lords.”


	2. Everything passed in a haze.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snippets of the worst 2 1/2 years of his life.

He’s nineteen when the pain starts to lessens. It’s been 2 years. He doesn’t know why but finds himself in the tattoo shop with very little to go on but a little robin places somewhere near his heart.

The artist takes one look at him and Tim can tell that he knows how important this is. It takes around two hours before he’s sent home with special instructions and a ‘come back anytime’.

————————

He does go back . The anniversary of when Tim met Selina is coming up and though he has something different in mind for her gift , he wants something permanent to remind him of her. 

It feels silly but he does love it , the outline of a moving cat stretched across the side of his ribs. 

—————————————

He’s twenty when he starts to breathe normal again. He thinks of Jason every day but there are no more tears . He goes to work each day with the knowledge he is far more beloved then his parents and that the company is in a better place. He’s proud.

His assistant, Stephanie, is at his side the minute he walks in this morning .

“You hear the latest on the Red Hood ?”

The red hood had been terrifying Gotham’s mob families and drug lords for the last 3 years . 

“No , what he do this time?” 

“ Well , Timmers he set that Falcone brat on fire.”

“The one who was running that sexy trafficking ring?”

The guy had gotten caught a month ago and so far not even a trail had been discussed. Stephanie and Tim watched that story closely and were both enraged that he wasn’t getting into any trouble. 

“Is it wrong if I say he deserved it?”

Stephanie laugh rings through the whole elevator and Tim smiles at her , thanks god for her .

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He’s in a board meeting when he thinks about going out again. Tim was honorable to his word to Selina about not ‘straying’ until he could breathe without pain. 

It was going to be a good night even if he just roamed the streets , maybe run across some rooftops like Jason and he use to. Who knows maybe he’d even run into the new little robin. Or even the dangerous red hood. 

It seemed like the best idea he’d ever had. He just had to make it 7 more hours until it was dark enough.

——————————-

It takes him forever to find his getup and surprise radiates from him when it still fits. The goggles are thin and curve to his face , they enhance his vision . He decides to go to east side , something small less cops.

The first leap off a rooftop sends him on his ass . The second is barely any better but by the time he gets to the east side it’s like he never stopped. His leaps are graceful and the cool air on his face is soothing . He didn’t even realize how much he’d missed it. He stops when he sees the top of the last rooftop he and Jason sat on. 

It looks the same , dirty. There’s still lawn chairs folded in the corner . He’s feels the longing in his chest rise up again. Might as well right?

He sits there for hours . Breathing in the Gotham air . Thinking he should’ve brought his headphones if this was his subconscious plan. Jason always carried a set on him but then again the man listened to all kinds of weird stuff. The smiths were constantly played .

“Take me out tonight ,” Tim bums to the melody he knows so well “ where there’s people ….’

“And if a double decker bus crashes into us , to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die…”

“ I miss you “

He sits there for a few more hours before the cold starts to get to him. He takes the fast way home, the subway route. There’s no tunnels and if he’s careful he can ride on the top without being seen. 

Unbeknownst to Tim he’d been watched since the moment he landed on the east side. 

“Tim..”

———————-

It starts on the following Tuesday.

The package is red , sitting on his bed.

The doors are locked and the windows both with no sign of tampering. He thinks briefly about Selina but she always wraps hers in black. 

He’s checks the windows and doors once more and calls down to security but no ones seen anything. 

“Well , I guess you gotta open it.”

He unwraps it slowly , unfolding instead of tearing into it. Under the wrapping is a plain white box about 4 x 6.  
He steadies his breathing before pulling the lid open.

It’s a French press. Glass with burgundy accents. Tim’s always wanted one but always been unwilling to take the time to get one. Jason like the French press better then the kuerig, Tim had laughed and Called him pretentious . It was a good memory, before everything In the world went south. 

He didn’t understand where this came from. He ran through a checklist .

Not Selina’s style  
Stephanie wouldn’t enter his apartment without his knowledge neither would alter ( who still saw him on occasion)   
Bruce or any of Bruce’s brats wouldn’t either . 

That left no one ( except maybe..) as the culprit. It felt like a cruel joke . The color and the memory, all of it left his stomach feeling upset . Like someone stab him and was twisting his insides.

He closed the box and put it in a spare closet. Out of sight out of mind.


	3. Chapter 3

By Friday he’s pissed 

The French press on Tuesday

The German coffee signed with a J on Wednesday

The Red cashmere blanket on Thursday

And today the stupid fucking journal with his handwriting.

He’s in the car with everything driving toward the Wayne manor. He’s fiat are clenched right around the steering wheel and he’s positive that he was breaking the speed limit.

It had to be Bruce . No one else would have Jason’s journal. No one and he was going to kick that asshole right in his fucking jaw. 

The manor looks just as he remembers it , immaculate.

He grabs the box full of stuff and ring the doorbell

“Mr. Drake .” Alfred answers the door and invite him in.

“I’m sorry to come unannounced Alfred but I Need to Bruce as soon as possible.” 

“Oh course ,I’ll go get him.”

Tim doesn’t like it here, reminds him of his parents manor. He doesn’t go there ever , sends in a cleaning crew twice a week . It’s big and gloomy and it like everything else lacking Jason . 

He’s suppose to meet Selina for dinner. He wants to tell her what’s been going on and wants to let her know he’s doing okay . He rubs at his head , headache forming. 

“Timothy , to what do I owe the pleasure?”

Bruce is , well he’s Bruce looks like an ass. There’s dark circles under his eyes and Tim almost wants to feel sympathetic for him but the box in his arms is heavy.

“ what the fuck is all this?”

He drops the box onto the coffee table. Spilling its contents .

” Do you think its funny?!Do you think I’ve forgotten him? Is that why your giving me his stuff? Do you think I go a day without wishing he was next to me?”

“ Timothy , I didn’t give you these.”

“ Then who the fuck is breaking into my home and leaving me his stuff!”

“Tim , I think there’s something you should know.”

“Do you think so Bruce?”

“I’ve been leaving them for you.”

The breath rushes out of him. It can’t be . He’s dead. He went to the funeral and mourned him . God Dammit he’s still mourning him! It can’t be Jason. It can’t be Jason. It's just a trick , a nasty dirty trick. Its not his Jason , it cant be.No , absolutely not.

“No , this can’t be happening.”

“Tim , babe I-“

“How long have you been alive?”

“I was resurrected 2 years ago.”

Two whole years. Two whole fucking years. 

“And how long has everyone known?”

“They figures it out with a few months of me being back”

They didn’t tell him. His suffering? His pain? The love of his life wasn’t dead and no one thought to hey give Tim a phone call.his head felt very heavy , that headache full force now.

“I need ,I need to call call Selina”

The world spun and Tim fell unconscious.

———————————————  
Selina liked to think she was a kind woman. Yes she was a thief and more then once has done a deed she wasn’t proud of . However she wasn’t unnecessarily cruel. Her boy was suppose to meet her for dinner 30 minutes ago . He had called to tell her he was going to see Bruce today . She wasn’t found of the idea at all. 

Timothy and Bruce has never seen eye to eye and Jason’s death had pushed them to almost animosity. More so on Tim’s part than Bruce’s. Tim heart was shattered and she worried that nothing would make him truly happy again.   
When she first took him on and gave him some pointers she hadn’t expected to care for him so much. She ached though when he cried and told her his woes of childhood . Emotional neglect does terrible things to children.

He was always so eager to learn and strives for any amount of praise. When Jason came alone she saw the switch in him , his confidence boosted. He smiled freely and without prompt. He laughed at things and relayed less on praise and more on getting out alive .

She didn’t bother to knock but instead let herself in. There was shouting in the kitchen and she assumed that’s where Bruce and his boys were. 

The foyer light was on , Tim must be in there.

Her poor boy , his hair was matted to his forehead and those dark circles were getting worse. Those boys always kept their secrets to close forgetting it often hurt those who loved them.

The kitchens full of them . Bruce , Dick , Jason , Alfred ,and what Selina assumes is Damian. Their huddle around the kitchen island , each talking over the other .   
Accusations and threats . Selina gets the gist though.   
Jason’s been alive for a while and no one thought to tell Tim. Didn’t they understand how badly that boy still mourned ?

“I hope you all have a good reason for why that boy suffered for no reason.”

One by one they all turned to look at her .

“Selina-“ Bruce started

“ I hope you have an apology in there. “

She turned her gaze to Jason .

“ I don’t know what happened to you but that boy has cried himself to sleep since you’ve been gone. He wears your hoodie to bed and you’ve got a whole library dedicated to books he’ll thinks you’ll love. Everything he does he does for you . So , I hope you’ve got a plan or at least an apology.”

“Ma’m , I -“

“I’m taking him home and when your ready I expect you at his doorstep . He deserves an explanation at least.”

Alfred helps her carry Tim to her car . She drives to the condo and gets him up the stairs barely. He’s barely awake and she’s not sure he’s gonna be okay when he does wake.

She puts him to bed and grabs Jason’s hoodie of the floor and gives it to Tim who tucks it close to his chest. 

She sits in the living room , rubbing at her head.

“It’s gonna be a long few weeks.”


	4. I've missed your smirk , wonder boy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim Drake makes it to the last scene.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey , I was wanted to explain why Tim's sleeping so much and while this is my own personal experience with depression/anxiety . Time lapses are normal and feeling like you're constantly waking up and falling asleep with nothing in between is pretty normal.

“I’m sorry “

Fingers stroke through his hair.

“ I was so angry , hell, I’m still so angry but I couldn’t hurt you . It’d be the death of me for real.”

The body tugs Tim next to him. It’s comforting.Cigarette smoke and leather.It’s Jason.It’s different then when they used to sleep before everything happened.It all seemed so unfair.Where would they be if Jason had never died or if his parents had never died?Would they be living together in some apartment Tim’s nightly activities.Would he really be free to do all the things he wanted or would the pressure to be a good son break him down.

“ I saw you on that rooftop and I knew . Knew I had to do something .”

It’s whispered like they were in confessional. Silently as if talking loudly to god might make him disappear. Tim didn’t care for church and he didn't care for confessing but by god did this feel like heaven.He hoped to any god who was listening , don't take him away ever again.

“I’m sorry ,I didn’t come straight back to you but ..”

Tim cracks his eyes open , sneaking a peak at him . He looks the same , except for the streak of white in his dark hair. Same grey eyes and rouged face. saw the anger though . The one that was always there and the one that boiled over.Tim knew that anger and knew how scared Jason was of the idea that he might not be able to control it. He curled closer to him. 

“Tim , whatever I need to do to have you back . Baby,I’ll do it.”

Tim’s eyes close and sleep takes him.  
—————————————————————-

“ you’ve been asleep for 3 days. You gotta get up.”

Selina, standing above him or hovering which ever really. 

“Work?”

“ I told them you’ve got the swine flu.”

“Thank you, Selina .”

She crawls into bed and manhandles him till he’s laying in her lap.

“Jason’s in the kitchen.He’s been here since day one “

Jason ,his Jason.not dead and not in a grave.Everything Tim wanted in his kitchen and yet he still feels like he’s mourning , like he’s still suffering.

“Selina, I-“

“Am going to see the therapist that i found you.”

He knows that it’s the best thing for him but the thought of weighing all his problems on someone seems so unfair and hiding who Jason is and was and all kinds of lies that will go into it already leave him exhausted .

He knows things are going to fall back into place. He wants them to but he’s smart enough to know that it wouldn't be healthy.He shakes his yes and lets the silence surround them.

There's some clunking coming from the kitchen and as much as he wants to make sure Jason stays in his sight at all times he’s really tired. His shoulders feel tense and that never ending headache is reminding him it’s there.

“I’m going to leave you two alone for the night,”she kissed his forehead “ do you think you're gonna be okay?”

“Yeah , I’ll call you if i need to”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’m sorry”

Tim's eyes are heavy and his tongue is sandpaper dry , he’s gotta stop waking up like this.

“You've apologized to me already.”

“I'm gonna keep saying it.”

“Why don't you tell me about it instead?”

“I can't.”

“Why not?”

He doesn't mean to lose his temper but this is ridiculous. How was he supposed to forgive Jason out for not coming home to him when he doesn't really know why?

“ I can't .”  
“Then get out , get out and don't don't fucking bother you ass!”

Once he starts he can't seem to stop .

“ I fucking mourned you , I fucking fell apart, You were my goddamn world and you , you fucking left me”

It feels like a weight has been lifted from his chest and another one settles in to take its place. Jason's standing at the door and he can feel the stare .

“You can go.”

The door closing is awful. The hiccup in his breath is the worst , the tears come raining down from months of repressed emotions come flying through. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Tim , wake up” 

No , he doesn’t want to. He doesn't want to think about anything , He just wants , he doesn't know but he wants.

“Tim!”

“Fine.”  
Jason sitting down next to him on the ground. He reeks of booze and cigarettes.its nasty and Tim crinkles his nose. 

“What do you want?”

“Look at me.”

“No”

Jason's hands grab at his face pulling it toward him , his face is bruised and his lip is bruised.

“When i got out of the lazareth pit all i could feel was anger and when i got to Gotham i was so enraged that Bruce didn't avenge me. It nearly destroyed me. I hunted the joker down and I nearly killed Dick.”

Tim doesn't know what to say or what to do.

“I couldn't bring myself to see you . What if you had moved on? Would I lose myself and hurt you? I was going to leave Gotham that night when I saw you on our rooftop. I couldn't leave you , you looked like you were dying and I heard you singing and I knew you still loved me.”

“Of course i still love you.”

They could do this , they were gonna be okay . Tim could do anything if Jason was next to him.

“ Were gonna be okay , me and you”

Jason locked eyes with him and gave him that wonder boy smirk.

“Of course , kitty cat.”


End file.
